I can't get no... Satisfaction

One of the main things I've realize came from a lecture my sociology professor gave last week. He was talking about how people need affection in their lives. It's something that is vital in a person's life to really have sanity as well, and without it you really get depression as a result. It's unavoidable... we need other people in our lives, and we need Love as well. I've kind of realized that this is one of the major voids that I have within me. 

I'm nearly 21 years old now... and I can say that I have pretty much gone throughout my life thus far without any real sort of affection or sexual release in any way. It's something that I'm not really proud of. 

It's a very hard feeling to describe... especially being the atmosphere I'm in. College.. people are hooking up and getting together all of the time. It's all you really see and at the same time it's what you need... and what you want. And being one who never really gets to feed that desire or need it really burns. An empty pit that sits within your chest.. it's as if you have nothing there. Rising anxiety that just kind of creeps up your throat and surrounds your spine. It's like standing in endless rain that follows you wherever you go.  You can feel it in your heart.. it doesn't hurt but it rests there and it just teases you which is far worse. It's almost like icy-hot being spread inside of you. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever had, and unfortunately it's somewhat like home to me now. 

At times I wish I could just hug someone... because it would be fulfilling in some ways. Fill some of what is missing... make the unwanted feelings go away. Do just a little bit. It's something that I personally consider to be pathetic, and I'm ashamed of the fact that I'm so desperate for Love. As a man there's just something in me that says to "stop being a bitch." I fight with myself back and forth. Have to be tough. I don't need it. But I know I do. I've been around locker room talk. It doesn't help at all. I feel like I'm a lesser man. I don't like to disrespect woman and I never would and at least I have some comfort in that.

What I'm getting at is I can't respect myself because of this... and that in turn affects everything about me. I feel so empty inside and I take it out on myself. I see myself as an ugly person. Worthless. Not worthy of anyone.  Why would anyone want me if there's nothing inside anyway... right? I give up in a way before I ever go in.

I want to change this. I want to get what I need. However, I also don't want to get it in the wrong way. I don't want to be drunk, or high. I don't want something just based off of attraction. Something that's just lust. I want something that's serious. I've thought this way for as long as I can remember. And I've been told time and time again that I'm a "fag," "pussy," "bitch," or anything else you can think of... people have told me to just go out and hook up with people.. because it's fun. It feels good. It'll make things better for me, but I could never get the concept. Why? Why do I want this from someone who doesn't even know me? Or care? Or someone who probably won't even acknowledge me the next morning.


And because of this I'm very on guard about things. It's difficult. There's none like me in my environment... at least not that I've found. And I know I'll never convert to the other side. No matter how many times I get hurt. I've tried before and couldn't even try to get anywhere. It's just not Travone. 


So I don't know what I'll do... I doubt I can be different than I already am. This is me... and I'm not sure how I feel about it, but hopefully someone good will Love me for what I am. All of my flaws and weirdness... but for now I guess I can't get no satisfaction.

I hate it...

I'm angry.

I just don't get why people do things sometimes, and I'm always left on the train tracks and ran over because I care so much. I care about my friends more than I do myself, and I'm extending myself to try make everything right, and not have the wrong things happen, and I get lied to and then the wrong things still just go and happen.

It kills me.

Why is it people go and make mistakes when they're drunk? And I can't seem to make any kind of mistake... but their mistakes hurt me. More than it ever hurts them I think. I feel like I've failed them... just like everything else.

Everyone goes out and gets silly.. and they let go of everything. And for a moment they feel good.. and I don't know if it's really worth it. But for some point in time they let loose. People even drink just to do this. To make those wrong decisions and then not be held accountable for it because they were drunk. But I can't seem to do it.

And my friend tells me it's because I'm different. I'm not built the same way as everyone else. I care way too much about myself and everyone else to something like that. Maybe to the point where I can never do anything. If this is the case and I am just different... a rare collectible... than I don't know how I'm ever going to last through this life. Because it's hard to handle. I can't make those mistakes.. or lose control and get a release in some way. Not in that wrong way. Not if it's fake.. or brought on by some chemical influence.

And I think this could possibly end me because in a way I need it very badly.. but it's just not there. So I guess I can watch my friends make wrong decisions and regret them later, while I keep trying to make the right ones but still continue to die from the inside...