It's been about 3 weeks since I've left school. I'm home among a much different atmosphere. Things are slow. Activity is low. There isn't much to do. Work is hard to find and my job still doesn't start for a good couple of weeks. I was given great news when I was told that I'm being given a second chance with housing for school in the fall. This is a very big deal and a relief. The dean was impressed that I still went back to talk with the counselor there even after I got the decision and now I'm back from the dead. I'm very grateful about this and I'm going to make sure not to make anymore mistakes and jeopardize myself and my education again.
As for life at home I've been doing great the past few weeks. I've been working on taking pictures I've become intrigued by the world of photography these past couple of months and I'm determined to get better at it. All of my little other projects have been there as well. I've been keeping busy... I don't go out of the house much but when I do it's fun and I've been keeping myself occupied when inside. Things didn't seem to bad. I believe I was still high off of the good end of the semester. Still feeling the good vibes off of the drugs I experimented with. Still high off the friendships that felt so strong.
But now it's been 22 days off and back into the trapped world. I spend most of my time sitting right here on this futon which is home. Glued to my computer. Not too much of a life. The few friends I have here are on the same boat for the most part. It's back to how it was in high school. I sit inside for hours to myself while my moms at work. Camps haven't started yet so there's not much for me to do. I just spent all of my money on a new camera so I'm kind of limited in those respects as well. I sit in isolation for hours. The internet keeps me sane. Keeps me connected to some extent. I talk to anyone whenever I can. Anything to get some of the connection I wish for. I've been thinking about how I can improve on myself, my pictures, my music, my art, my life but as of just recently I just get brought down. I can't seem to just go with the flow anymore. Can't ignore that I still feel completely alone at all times of the day. There's no one that understands. No way to make anyone understand. I can't explain how I even feel. There's too much that's just broken inside of me and I'm being brought back to old memories when I've felt cold. Scared. Lost. Hurt. It all still sits within me.
I want to just live and love and enjoy myself and have fun. And express myself and be happy and feel loved and like I belong. But at this point that seems like some kind of dream fantasy. Everything feels empty. I wonder if trying out some drugs again will make me feel better but to be honest I don't think I want to. It feels almost like it's fake to me. Simulated. I was up for a little while but here I am once again.
I look at my life in a way as some kind of joke right now. Reflecting back on certain things I've felt and what has happened to me I wonder why sometimes I tried. I wonder why I try now. I ask why certain things have to happen to me. Reflecting as I type right now I can still feel it all inside of me. I guess I've got some form of cancer.. and it's spreading. There's certainly things inside me from all that's happened that I can't just be happy. Feel real. Connect with people. Get it... like everyone else does. And in ways I blame it on my mother. I blame it on me. I blame on my father. I blame it on her. On him. Why certain things happen that hurts me so much I wish everyone could see inside of me and know that I don't mean to do any harm.
I'm on some kind of last limb. My eyes feel how they've never felt right now... as if I've got little weights within them. My heart is lonely. I want to hug someone and not let go. I need to feel like I'm not alone in this. Reality is just eating away at my soul.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do here. Or the real purpose of posting this. I have no real point as I usually feel I do but I'm just writing this.... to write this. I wish things were different. Dying wouldn't seem half bad right about now. But no... I'll stay here. It's like drowning endlessly... but I can't die.
