Summer

I'm shaking. I've come a long way. I've felt alive, and I've felt good. For the first time ever consistently. I've proved myself wrong and I've felt like I'm worth something. I've felt what it's like to be worth something in these past couple of months. Someone has loved me. Cared for me.. about me. I've felt like I can actually do anything. Be anything. I guess I've had the best summer of my life... because I finally let go of some things and went out on a limb. I've been drinking, smoking, Loving, living, soaring... I've been selfish, I've put myself first for a change, I've taken risks.

I had my first relationship... which was short lived, but I grew from it. I learned so much. I figured out that it's not that simple, and that you can't just jump into something when you're already broken yourself. Or if you can't feel a certain connection that should be there. I had to end it because things weren't right. And I think I mostly jumped the gun not having any past experience to go off I felt it could be right, but I was wrong, and I feel that's okay... because that's what life is. Learning, experience. And now I have something to go off and I understand so much more about relationships I feel, and Love it's not as I had made it out to be. Not that I was in Love, but it's given me a whole new perspective on the topic.

I still have needs. I still obviously want someone who I can talk to and hug & squeeze and trust and care for as my own. I still want to feel Loved. I still want someone who's a friend as well as more. But the greatest thing is now I feel as if I'm fine without it as well. It no longer kills me anymore. I'm fine and content, and I think that's maybe because I've now had something and it's affected how I feel about myself a lot. It's something I've had now as well so its no longer mysterious... and no longer seems impossible. I've been doing a lot a growing and I've still have so much more to do but it's been a great feeling to actually experience progression.

It's a crazy thing... when someone actually wants you. It's something that I've been just experiencing which is really just bizarre to me, because I still can't really seem to understand what value I could have to anyone when  for so long I've felt like nothing. It's flattering in a way. It feels good. It's helped my self esteem in a lot of ways. And people can always seem to sense the sadness inside of me... and I'm always trying to make them see that I'm not worth their time. That I'm not anything at all. I want them to realize that soon enough they'll realize I'm not what they think I can be. I think it's because I'm afraid that they'll tire of me. Uncover my problems and really not want me. Give up on me. I want it to happen before it gets to a point where it would just break me when it happens. I have an fear that once people realize what kind of person I am they won't want anything to do with me. And this is something I still need to get over. I get embarrassed that I'm 21 and have had almost no experience with woman. I'm shy about letting out some of my feelings or interests or thoughts because I guess really maybe I'm still thinking so lowly of myself, and it as a result has me feel like everyone else will agree. But I'm working on not caring and I'm getting better.... SLOWLY. I honestly want to always say what I feel whether anyone feels it's lame or Im soft and just really not care because thats me and the people I want in my life will accept me for that.

And always I'm told that I'm different. I'm not like other guys. It's always bothered me and as my confidence has been rising those other guy thoughts start to dance around in my head. It's as if I understand it now. It makes much more sense to me. It's practical for once... As insane as that may sound. It seems as if it could be the way to go. And there have been points this summer where I felt I would want to do it. Be selfish. Get just what I want... think only about myself. Disregard for others feelings. Think about sex and nothing else. But it's something that must just not be possible for me because I always find myself sticking to my normal ways. Checking myself... my conscience weighing on me. Making sure I'm doing things in a noble way. I care about people way too much.

That way I'll always be left vulnerable I guess... and no matter what I don't think I could really ever do something with someone I don't really care about, because it means so much more to me that way. I can actually connect with a person. And get the best feelings rather than something that's just about sex. It may be risky and leave me open but it also makes me stay true to my own heart.

As I said I've been smoking here and there every couple of weeks, maybe still experimenting with it I guess. And in some ways I've stopped and felt like I'm so much like my father. Drinking some and then having a smoke, and maybe it's the same reason I've been doing it because it relaxes me and makes me put away some of my worries. I don't like how it feels because I don't want to become my father. I don't want to avoid all of my problems or my responsibilities... I want to be there for the people I care about and make sure I'm in control of my life. And as usual it hasn't been all pleasant with my parents. I've been having to take control of a lot of things and I owe money to school and to the hospital still as well as other bills for my knee troubles, and to be honest no one wants to help and that's scary. There's no way I can pay for it all by myself, even school which is the most important issue, so much to the point that I still haven't even picked my classes yet because I owe some money. But it's happened before and things always seem to work out so I'm trusting that it will this time too.

But regardless of all my doubts and feelings it's been a great summer. Working with kids is just as great as ever. I still Love the innocence that children possess. They just laugh and smile and they have fun. They say just what they feel. They haven't weathered any storms yet. Or been hurt. Or felt lost. And I always think about the things I have been through... and I just pray so much that they never have to go through any of that. I worry for them because I know as they get older all the pressures of the world, life, and Love are going to test them. And I hope they're all up for it and they don't fall under. I wish they never have to feel sad thoughts and just be happy. I wish the world for them. And there are a few who I can see have that look in their eye that makes me feel like some of those feelings have already started in them as they were in my as a kid. I see a certain unhappiness there, and I hope they get through it and realize they've got to Love themselves. I'm not perfect but I've come a long way with that and the results have been amazing.

I've laughed and smiled. My days are mostly happy with only some minor humps. Which is the exact opposite of how my life has been in the past. I feel better about myself on a whole. Heck I like myself! I've had great adventures and they've made me realize how much I kinda Love my town... and how beautiful it could be. Or maybe just how beautiful life can be. The sun setting... all those beautiful colors. The nice breeze. Even the night sky at the beach is just so amazing. And these are all things I've never really stopped and took the time to appreciate. And now that I am I just kind of love life more. I see so much more possibilities and I know how to just be happy. I'm not so down much. The chip's been lifted off my shoulder. I'm becoming the person I should be... Becoming the best that I can be. Slowly but surely. And it feels so good. And I'm going to keep it going. Even though I still doubt myself a lot it's becoming less and less. And soon I know it'll be gone for good. It's only just a matter of time.