I'm upset. I feel worthless. Incapable of anything I want to do. My friends look at me and they enjoy being with me and I honestly can't understand why. Why they respect me. Why they'd want to spend their time with me. Of all people. Because I'm nothing. And nothing isn't worthy of them. I'm not funny. I'm not interesting. I don't have anything good to say. I just sit in the back and think to myself of a way I could jump into the conversation. But it's just too much for me. Too much effort sometimes. I just want to connect but I suck at it in every way. I want to have someone who wants me but I'm the furthest from something anyone would like. I'm tired, SO tired. I'm tired of my mom being on my case.. even though I try. I'm trying the best I can but all I ever get is a spit in the face. Im tired of not being good enough to ever capture my goals. Tired of failing with woman time and time again. Tired of trying. Tired of going on as if I believe things will improve, because in my heart I know I don't believe in myself in the slightest. I looked in your eyes tonight and I saw everything I was looking for, everything I want, everything I feel I need but you've never seen it in me. And when it comes down to it it eats away at me everyday. I's been eating at me. As positive as I try to be, including in these past couple of months.. at school trying to wrestle and do class and work to keep myself there, and ultimately failing at that. landing me back home and with my mother who just seems to hate me most of the time, as much as i try to keep a happy outlook I just cant bullshit myself. I'll never bullshit myself. I just don't see it. I dont feel it. I'm numb. I've been numb for quite some time and I'm just sick of it. I'm not even a real person anymore. I stop and think of myself and tears could come to my eyes. I think of where things have gone with my family. we're not a family we just live together. i think of my dad who id never here from if i didn't call him to check if he was alive. and it's funny because i wish my mom never would call me, because thats all she does. im tired of being alone. im tired of feeling worthless. im tired of being judged. im tired of having people blow me off and let me down. im tired of building hope in something again only to have it shatter in my face like it has every time in my life. i just feel like i dont want to try anymore. And this is probably just me at a low point and i may wake up feeling different but for right now i just dont want to bother, because i've had too much go bad. My heart is weak. whatever's left of my soul doesn't glow. its a struggle. and all of the goals i have.. just seem so far away right now and im as lonely as ever. I need something.. anything to work for me because I dont know how much longer I can go like this