I'm upset. I feel worthless. Incapable of anything I want to do. My friends look at me and they enjoy being with me and I honestly can't understand why. Why they respect me. Why they'd want to spend their time with me. Of all people. Because I'm nothing. And nothing isn't worthy of them. I'm not funny. I'm not interesting. I don't have anything good to say. I just sit in the back and think to myself of a way I could jump into the conversation. But it's just too much for me. Too much effort sometimes. I just want to connect but I suck at it in every way. I want to have someone who wants me but I'm the furthest from something anyone would like. I'm tired, SO tired. I'm tired of my mom being on my case.. even though I try. I'm trying the best I can but all I ever get is a spit in the face. Im tired of not being good enough to ever capture my goals. Tired of failing with woman time and time again. Tired of trying. Tired of going on as if I believe things will improve, because in my heart I know I don't believe in myself in the slightest. I looked in your eyes tonight and I saw everything I was looking for, everything I want, everything I feel I need but you've never seen it in me. And when it comes down to it it eats away at me everyday. I's been eating at me. As positive as I try to be, including in these past couple of months.. at school trying to wrestle and do class and work to keep myself there, and ultimately failing at that. landing me back home and with my mother who just seems to hate me most of the time, as much as i try to keep a happy outlook I just cant bullshit myself. I'll never bullshit myself. I just don't see it. I dont feel it. I'm numb. I've been numb for quite some time and I'm just sick of it. I'm not even a real person anymore. I stop and think of myself and tears could come to my eyes. I think of where things have gone with my family. we're not a family we just live together. i think of my dad who id never here from if i didn't call him to check if he was alive. and it's funny because i wish my mom never would call me, because thats all she does. im tired of being alone. im tired of feeling worthless. im tired of being judged. im tired of having people blow me off and let me down. im tired of building hope in something again only to have it shatter in my face like it has every time in my life. i just feel like i dont want to try anymore. And this is probably just me at a low point and i may wake up feeling different but for right now i just dont want to bother, because i've had too much go bad. My heart is weak. whatever's left of my soul doesn't glow. its a struggle. and all of the goals i have.. just seem so far away right now and im as lonely as ever. I need something.. anything to work for me because I dont know how much longer I can go like this

Summer

I'm shaking. I've come a long way. I've felt alive, and I've felt good. For the first time ever consistently. I've proved myself wrong and I've felt like I'm worth something. I've felt what it's like to be worth something in these past couple of months. Someone has loved me. Cared for me.. about me. I've felt like I can actually do anything. Be anything. I guess I've had the best summer of my life... because I finally let go of some things and went out on a limb. I've been drinking, smoking, Loving, living, soaring... I've been selfish, I've put myself first for a change, I've taken risks.

I had my first relationship... which was short lived, but I grew from it. I learned so much. I figured out that it's not that simple, and that you can't just jump into something when you're already broken yourself. Or if you can't feel a certain connection that should be there. I had to end it because things weren't right. And I think I mostly jumped the gun not having any past experience to go off I felt it could be right, but I was wrong, and I feel that's okay... because that's what life is. Learning, experience. And now I have something to go off and I understand so much more about relationships I feel, and Love it's not as I had made it out to be. Not that I was in Love, but it's given me a whole new perspective on the topic.

I still have needs. I still obviously want someone who I can talk to and hug & squeeze and trust and care for as my own. I still want to feel Loved. I still want someone who's a friend as well as more. But the greatest thing is now I feel as if I'm fine without it as well. It no longer kills me anymore. I'm fine and content, and I think that's maybe because I've now had something and it's affected how I feel about myself a lot. It's something I've had now as well so its no longer mysterious... and no longer seems impossible. I've been doing a lot a growing and I've still have so much more to do but it's been a great feeling to actually experience progression.

It's a crazy thing... when someone actually wants you. It's something that I've been just experiencing which is really just bizarre to me, because I still can't really seem to understand what value I could have to anyone when  for so long I've felt like nothing. It's flattering in a way. It feels good. It's helped my self esteem in a lot of ways. And people can always seem to sense the sadness inside of me... and I'm always trying to make them see that I'm not worth their time. That I'm not anything at all. I want them to realize that soon enough they'll realize I'm not what they think I can be. I think it's because I'm afraid that they'll tire of me. Uncover my problems and really not want me. Give up on me. I want it to happen before it gets to a point where it would just break me when it happens. I have an fear that once people realize what kind of person I am they won't want anything to do with me. And this is something I still need to get over. I get embarrassed that I'm 21 and have had almost no experience with woman. I'm shy about letting out some of my feelings or interests or thoughts because I guess really maybe I'm still thinking so lowly of myself, and it as a result has me feel like everyone else will agree. But I'm working on not caring and I'm getting better.... SLOWLY. I honestly want to always say what I feel whether anyone feels it's lame or Im soft and just really not care because thats me and the people I want in my life will accept me for that.

And always I'm told that I'm different. I'm not like other guys. It's always bothered me and as my confidence has been rising those other guy thoughts start to dance around in my head. It's as if I understand it now. It makes much more sense to me. It's practical for once... As insane as that may sound. It seems as if it could be the way to go. And there have been points this summer where I felt I would want to do it. Be selfish. Get just what I want... think only about myself. Disregard for others feelings. Think about sex and nothing else. But it's something that must just not be possible for me because I always find myself sticking to my normal ways. Checking myself... my conscience weighing on me. Making sure I'm doing things in a noble way. I care about people way too much.

That way I'll always be left vulnerable I guess... and no matter what I don't think I could really ever do something with someone I don't really care about, because it means so much more to me that way. I can actually connect with a person. And get the best feelings rather than something that's just about sex. It may be risky and leave me open but it also makes me stay true to my own heart.

As I said I've been smoking here and there every couple of weeks, maybe still experimenting with it I guess. And in some ways I've stopped and felt like I'm so much like my father. Drinking some and then having a smoke, and maybe it's the same reason I've been doing it because it relaxes me and makes me put away some of my worries. I don't like how it feels because I don't want to become my father. I don't want to avoid all of my problems or my responsibilities... I want to be there for the people I care about and make sure I'm in control of my life. And as usual it hasn't been all pleasant with my parents. I've been having to take control of a lot of things and I owe money to school and to the hospital still as well as other bills for my knee troubles, and to be honest no one wants to help and that's scary. There's no way I can pay for it all by myself, even school which is the most important issue, so much to the point that I still haven't even picked my classes yet because I owe some money. But it's happened before and things always seem to work out so I'm trusting that it will this time too.

But regardless of all my doubts and feelings it's been a great summer. Working with kids is just as great as ever. I still Love the innocence that children possess. They just laugh and smile and they have fun. They say just what they feel. They haven't weathered any storms yet. Or been hurt. Or felt lost. And I always think about the things I have been through... and I just pray so much that they never have to go through any of that. I worry for them because I know as they get older all the pressures of the world, life, and Love are going to test them. And I hope they're all up for it and they don't fall under. I wish they never have to feel sad thoughts and just be happy. I wish the world for them. And there are a few who I can see have that look in their eye that makes me feel like some of those feelings have already started in them as they were in my as a kid. I see a certain unhappiness there, and I hope they get through it and realize they've got to Love themselves. I'm not perfect but I've come a long way with that and the results have been amazing.

I've laughed and smiled. My days are mostly happy with only some minor humps. Which is the exact opposite of how my life has been in the past. I feel better about myself on a whole. Heck I like myself! I've had great adventures and they've made me realize how much I kinda Love my town... and how beautiful it could be. Or maybe just how beautiful life can be. The sun setting... all those beautiful colors. The nice breeze. Even the night sky at the beach is just so amazing. And these are all things I've never really stopped and took the time to appreciate. And now that I am I just kind of love life more. I see so much more possibilities and I know how to just be happy. I'm not so down much. The chip's been lifted off my shoulder. I'm becoming the person I should be... Becoming the best that I can be. Slowly but surely. And it feels so good. And I'm going to keep it going. Even though I still doubt myself a lot it's becoming less and less. And soon I know it'll be gone for good. It's only just a matter of time.

Idk what to do...

It's been about 3 weeks since I've left school. I'm home among a much different atmosphere. Things are slow. Activity is low. There isn't much to do. Work is hard to find and my job still doesn't start for a good couple of weeks. I was given great news when I was told that I'm being given a second chance with housing for school in the fall. This is a very big deal and a relief. The dean was impressed that I still went back to talk with the counselor there even after I got the decision and now I'm back from the dead. I'm very grateful about this and I'm going to make sure not to make anymore mistakes and jeopardize myself and my education again.

As for life at home I've been doing great the past few weeks. I've been working on taking pictures I've become intrigued by the world of photography these past couple of months and I'm determined to get better at it. All of my little other projects have been there as well. I've been keeping busy... I don't go out of the house much but when I do it's fun and I've been keeping myself occupied when inside. Things didn't seem to bad. I believe I was still high off of the good end of the semester. Still feeling the good vibes off of the drugs I experimented with. Still high off the friendships that felt so strong.

But now it's been 22 days off and back into the trapped world. I spend most of my time sitting right here on this futon which is home. Glued to my computer. Not too much of a life. The few friends I have here are on the same boat for the most part. It's back to how it was in high school. I sit inside for hours to myself while my moms at work. Camps haven't started yet so there's not much for me to do. I just spent all of my money on a new camera so I'm kind of limited in those respects as well. I sit in isolation for hours. The internet keeps me sane. Keeps me connected to some extent. I talk to anyone whenever I can. Anything to get some of the connection I wish for. I've been thinking about how I can improve on myself, my pictures, my music, my art, my life but as of just recently I just get brought down. I can't seem to just go with the flow anymore. Can't ignore that I still feel completely alone at all times of the day. There's no one that understands. No way to make anyone understand. I can't explain how I even feel. There's too much that's just broken inside of me and I'm being brought back to old memories when I've felt cold. Scared. Lost. Hurt. It all still sits within me.

I want to just live and love and enjoy myself and have fun. And express myself and be happy and feel loved and like I belong. But at this point that seems like some kind of dream fantasy. Everything feels empty. I wonder if trying out some drugs again will make me feel better but to be honest I don't think I want to. It feels almost like it's fake to me. Simulated. I was up for a little while but here I am once again.

I look at my life in a way as some kind of joke right now. Reflecting back on certain things I've felt and what has happened to me I wonder why sometimes I tried. I wonder why I try now. I ask why certain things have to happen to me. Reflecting as I type right now I can still feel it all inside of me. I guess I've got some form of cancer.. and it's spreading. There's certainly things inside me from all that's happened that I can't just be happy. Feel real. Connect with people. Get it... like everyone else does. And in ways I blame it on my mother. I blame it on me. I blame on my father. I blame it on her. On him. Why certain things happen that hurts me so much I wish everyone could see inside of me and know that I don't mean to do any harm.

I'm on some kind of last limb. My eyes feel how they've never felt right now... as if I've got little weights within them. My heart is lonely. I want to hug someone and not let go. I need to feel like I'm not alone in this. Reality is just eating away at my soul.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do here. Or the real purpose of posting this. I have no real point as I usually feel I do but I'm just writing this.... to write this. I wish things were different. Dying wouldn't seem half bad right about now. But no... I'll stay here. It's like drowning endlessly... but I can't die.

Last Night

I swear last night I had so much fun and it was wonderful. Yes I was high... and I was also drinking and the timing of it all along with how much I had was JUUUUUUST right. I can't deny it but it always just puts me into the right state of mind, and I'm soo happy. There's nothing that can phase me, and even when things still are bothering me I know it's going to be okay. Everytime I lose myself it's like a movie... a film. And everytime it's an oscar winning one if it could be seen through my eyes. It's wonderful. The best actors you could ask for... and they're all perfectly in character of course because they're playing themselves, and I just love it I think it's brilliant. And another thing when I'm high I notice how beautiful everyone is. I walked around this party and I just noticed just how wonderful everyone looked, and it was great. I don't why but it's just so much more appealing. It's a pity I couldn't see myself. Another thing I must say is I notice so many more things when I'm high. For example my friend last night.. we've had our ups and downs, but as we were driving in the car I looked to her and I just realized how much I Love who she is. She drinks a lot. She has sex. She doesn't give a fuck about it being wrong or not in the right way and she has fun, and she gets what she needs, and most importantly she's happy. And she doesn't let things weigh her down. She just says fuck it and she just goes and she gets what she wants, and it may make her selfish in so many ways and spoiled but that's good. That's how it should be. She's free. I spend all my life worried about everything but myself. And to be honestly on that car ride I realized that I envy her for how she lives and to be honest I wish I had the courage to be like that. But all in all it was such an experience, and it's still fresh in my head. I'm I've been left in just a happy mood today and I hope it keeps up. Life is just starting...

It's my birthday

I'm 21 finally! Not that I was anticipating it so much. 2010 has been so crazy for me thus far. I tore my ACL. Went through so many emotional situations. Made great friends and lost some for no reason at all. I smoked for the first time... both ways. SHHHHH. I blacked out for the first time! And wound up in the hospital! D: Then got kicked out of housing for the fall semester as a result!! D: I had a life changing experience on 4/20. I went to my first rock concert and it's changed my life! I got MSRA last week and im recovering from it now! I feel as if I've been getting into so many things and it's nice actually. I've held back a lot in the past and even though I'm not going fully crazy I'm exploring now. I may be a late bloomer but I'm glad I've waited. I'm still learning so much and I don't think I will ever stop learning. I'm happy to be alive. I have over a $1000 in hospital bills to pay and I need $200 for my brace but I'm not bothered. I can't wait to just keep going see what life has waiting for me. I feel as if this year has changed me so much and I'm now ready to just do it all... and the great thing is I feel I can do all of this and still stay true to myself which is what I care about. :)

I can't sleep. I shouldn't anyways as I have a sociology paper to start/finish but it's difficult to concentrate on these things with everything that's kind of resting on my shoulders right now. I keep sitting here thinking of how I've come to this point. In one semester I've managed to tear my ACL, I've made a complete fool of myself to certain people and I think they'd like to do without me. And now I don't even know what my near future is going to have in store for me. Honestly I would have never expected myself to reach here. I don't consider myself a bad person yet I keep getting caught in bad situations. And right now I want something that can just make me feel better... be it drugs, sex, alcohol... all things that are still really unexplored to me and things that I've been afraid of misusing. But now I wonder if I'm going to miss out on certain opportunities or if maybe that's why I've found myself in these situations in the first place. Maybe I can make up for lost time before it's all too late. I know that's not me, but I'd definitely like something to numb all of this... I know there's nothing that's going to change what has already happened. So what now???

Just a little bit too late...

I had felt good...

Despite all of the stress that was put unto me. Regardless of the way I just kept extending myself with no results. Regardless of the fact that it didn't add up to what I had wanted. Even with my fall last week, when I got so extremely drunk and made a complete fool of myself... Even with all of that I felt good. Because reflecting on last week I realized a lot about myself. I realized that I was pushing and pulling and doing everything I possibly could to appeal to someone... to something... and in those efforts I just ended up doing the exact opposite. I tried so hard that I just ended showing sides of me which usually don't even exist. It became an obsession because I felt I knew it had to work. No matter what happened, I had to have it. And last week my eyes were just opened. I realized that I wasn't being myself and letting things happen. I got so caught up in the effort and so effected by the results I was receiving that I just began to shit on myself. And wonder why my existence was even worth it. I was going downhill and there was no stopping me.

But yet still with all of this I thought and realized that these downfalls all weren't a big deal. And that I was letting them have a hold on me. Sure I feel like someone may be worth all of that but I thought and understood that I'm worth the same amount at least. I stopped and thought of how I've done the best in my power to live in a way that follows my code, and I thought of how my code is good. I re evaluated myself through the right eyes. I laughed things off. I just understood that I'm worth it. And I shouldn't be killing myself to appeal to someone.. trying so hard, especially when they give me less than nothing in return. When they disrespect even. I shouldn't take that. I decided that I should do me and not do for anyone else. That I should enjoy things and have fun, and if things work out then so be it. But if not then it's anyone else's loss because I'm worth it. I came to this conclusion and felt good. I still want certain things... but I realize that the best is waiting somewhere and when it's time it'll surely find me, and I wasn't going to sit around and wait for it... let alone try to force someone to be it.

But unfortunately there are still consequences for everything I've endured to reach this breakthrough. In the midst of all of my depression and everything I've be going through I've reached this sweet spot yet now something else throws itself into my way. I've just been recently punished for my actions last week... being caught and transported to the hospital. I've been told that I am no longer being provided housing for the fall semester. What this means is so much. First off it means that I cannot live on campus which is the ideal situation for me. It also means that if I'm to attend school here next semester (which I would like to) I will need to find someplace else to stay. This could all jeopardize me even being able to attend here next semester. Whether or not I can wrestle. It can affect when I will graduate. It also means that I've let so many people down. My mother for one.. I cannot even fathom how she's going to react to this. The rest of the family, my coach, my team... but most important myself. I've been lost these couple of months and I've been acting upon things wrongly. My head hasn't been clear and I've now been dealt with these consequences. And I'm not going to say that I don't deserve it... but I can honestly say I don't know what I'm going to do from here or what direction I really can take. And in a way I feel as if with all of this still now on plate if things had worked out with certain people I'd feel ok. But for now I'm going to have to be strong on my own and see what I can do with what's at hand.

But at least now I realize my worth... and I'm going to need it in order to get through this.

Last Night

I thought for some apparent reason it would be okay for me to get drunk. DRUNK. I never get hammered I always keep it to a certain level but I decided ahead of time last night would be the night and I was afraid going into it because of what could happen. And I know myself well, and I was right. I wind up in the hospital of all places because I blew a .14 and no one was around to watch me. Yet I was fine. I didn’t even throw up that night, but I did all day the morning after. I wake up and I start looking at my text messages from last night… and it’s just upsetting. I talk to my friend.. and learn that she was there, and that I was talking to her. I don’t remember her even being there. Same with another friend. I continue to hear how I was being a clingy annoyance and I’m even more shocked to hear that I smoked about 4 times!!! Nothing I remember. I can only remember myself taking up to 8 shots of vodka. After that there was a blur. Another friend told me I was begging for cigarettes just to smoke with someone. I kept accusing someone of having sex with a teammate of mine. I said things to some people that I really regret. I finally snapped back to reality when I heard someone say I was being annoying and wouldn’t leave them alone. I remember everything on after this. I got shoved out of a room obviously because I was being a pain. I just sit here now and think of everything and my head just hurts. I’m just embarrassed, ashamed, and must of all regretful. And I’ve completely brought myself down a whole level. Certain things that already were bugging me before are killing me now. I don’t even know how to approach some of the things that are going through my head, or how I can even hold my head up when I see certain people. Or get back to a point I once was at in certain people’s eyes. I’ve let one situation completely tear me apart to shreds for nearly 2 months and and I guess that was one of the final straws. I don’t know where to go from here because I’m still unstable. And I can’t get things off my head and I can’t seem to accept that I’ve fucked some things up and I will NEVER get them back to how I want them to be. And I’ll sit here this weekend alone and ponder all of this I know as I reach near insanity. I just don’t know what I’m doing, or why. I want it so bad but I’ve already missed my flight, and I just keep waiting for it to come back. And that’s where I’m still at right now. I’m holding on so tightly to it, I can’t let it go.