Last Night

I thought for some apparent reason it would be okay for me to get drunk. DRUNK. I never get hammered I always keep it to a certain level but I decided ahead of time last night would be the night and I was afraid going into it because of what could happen. And I know myself well, and I was right. I wind up in the hospital of all places because I blew a .14 and no one was around to watch me. Yet I was fine. I didn’t even throw up that night, but I did all day the morning after. I wake up and I start looking at my text messages from last night… and it’s just upsetting. I talk to my friend.. and learn that she was there, and that I was talking to her. I don’t remember her even being there. Same with another friend. I continue to hear how I was being a clingy annoyance and I’m even more shocked to hear that I smoked about 4 times!!! Nothing I remember. I can only remember myself taking up to 8 shots of vodka. After that there was a blur. Another friend told me I was begging for cigarettes just to smoke with someone. I kept accusing someone of having sex with a teammate of mine. I said things to some people that I really regret. I finally snapped back to reality when I heard someone say I was being annoying and wouldn’t leave them alone. I remember everything on after this. I got shoved out of a room obviously because I was being a pain. I just sit here now and think of everything and my head just hurts. I’m just embarrassed, ashamed, and must of all regretful. And I’ve completely brought myself down a whole level. Certain things that already were bugging me before are killing me now. I don’t even know how to approach some of the things that are going through my head, or how I can even hold my head up when I see certain people. Or get back to a point I once was at in certain people’s eyes. I’ve let one situation completely tear me apart to shreds for nearly 2 months and and I guess that was one of the final straws. I don’t know where to go from here because I’m still unstable. And I can’t get things off my head and I can’t seem to accept that I’ve fucked some things up and I will NEVER get them back to how I want them to be. And I’ll sit here this weekend alone and ponder all of this I know as I reach near insanity. I just don’t know what I’m doing, or why. I want it so bad but I’ve already missed my flight, and I just keep waiting for it to come back. And that’s where I’m still at right now. I’m holding on so tightly to it, I can’t let it go.