I had felt good...
Despite all of the stress that was put unto me. Regardless of the way I just kept extending myself with no results. Regardless of the fact that it didn't add up to what I had wanted. Even with my fall last week, when I got so extremely drunk and made a complete fool of myself... Even with all of that I felt good. Because reflecting on last week I realized a lot about myself. I realized that I was pushing and pulling and doing everything I possibly could to appeal to someone... to something... and in those efforts I just ended up doing the exact opposite. I tried so hard that I just ended showing sides of me which usually don't even exist. It became an obsession because I felt I knew it had to work. No matter what happened, I had to have it. And last week my eyes were just opened. I realized that I wasn't being myself and letting things happen. I got so caught up in the effort and so effected by the results I was receiving that I just began to shit on myself. And wonder why my existence was even worth it. I was going downhill and there was no stopping me.
But yet still with all of this I thought and realized that these downfalls all weren't a big deal. And that I was letting them have a hold on me. Sure I feel like someone may be worth all of that but I thought and understood that I'm worth the same amount at least. I stopped and thought of how I've done the best in my power to live in a way that follows my code, and I thought of how my code is good. I re evaluated myself through the right eyes. I laughed things off. I just understood that I'm worth it. And I shouldn't be killing myself to appeal to someone.. trying so hard, especially when they give me less than nothing in return. When they disrespect even. I shouldn't take that. I decided that I should do me and not do for anyone else. That I should enjoy things and have fun, and if things work out then so be it. But if not then it's anyone else's loss because I'm worth it. I came to this conclusion and felt good. I still want certain things... but I realize that the best is waiting somewhere and when it's time it'll surely find me, and I wasn't going to sit around and wait for it... let alone try to force someone to be it.
But unfortunately there are still consequences for everything I've endured to reach this breakthrough. In the midst of all of my depression and everything I've be going through I've reached this sweet spot yet now something else throws itself into my way. I've just been recently punished for my actions last week... being caught and transported to the hospital. I've been told that I am no longer being provided housing for the fall semester. What this means is so much. First off it means that I cannot live on campus which is the ideal situation for me. It also means that if I'm to attend school here next semester (which I would like to) I will need to find someplace else to stay. This could all jeopardize me even being able to attend here next semester. Whether or not I can wrestle. It can affect when I will graduate. It also means that I've let so many people down. My mother for one.. I cannot even fathom how she's going to react to this. The rest of the family, my coach, my team... but most important myself. I've been lost these couple of months and I've been acting upon things wrongly. My head hasn't been clear and I've now been dealt with these consequences. And I'm not going to say that I don't deserve it... but I can honestly say I don't know what I'm going to do from here or what direction I really can take. And in a way I feel as if with all of this still now on plate if things had worked out with certain people I'd feel ok. But for now I'm going to have to be strong on my own and see what I can do with what's at hand.
But at least now I realize my worth... and I'm going to need it in order to get through this.
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