One of the main things I've realize came from a lecture my sociology professor gave last week. He was talking about how people need affection in their lives. It's something that is vital in a person's life to really have sanity as well, and without it you really get depression as a result. It's unavoidable... we need other people in our lives, and we need Love as well. I've kind of realized that this is one of the major voids that I have within me.
I'm nearly 21 years old now... and I can say that I have pretty much gone throughout my life thus far without any real sort of affection or sexual release in any way. It's something that I'm not really proud of.
It's a very hard feeling to describe... especially being the atmosphere I'm in. College.. people are hooking up and getting together all of the time. It's all you really see and at the same time it's what you need... and what you want. And being one who never really gets to feed that desire or need it really burns. An empty pit that sits within your chest.. it's as if you have nothing there. Rising anxiety that just kind of creeps up your throat and surrounds your spine. It's like standing in endless rain that follows you wherever you go. You can feel it in your heart.. it doesn't hurt but it rests there and it just teases you which is far worse. It's almost like icy-hot being spread inside of you. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever had, and unfortunately it's somewhat like home to me now.
At times I wish I could just hug someone... because it would be fulfilling in some ways. Fill some of what is missing... make the unwanted feelings go away. Do just a little bit. It's something that I personally consider to be pathetic, and I'm ashamed of the fact that I'm so desperate for Love. As a man there's just something in me that says to "stop being a bitch." I fight with myself back and forth. Have to be tough. I don't need it. But I know I do. I've been around locker room talk. It doesn't help at all. I feel like I'm a lesser man. I don't like to disrespect woman and I never would and at least I have some comfort in that.
What I'm getting at is I can't respect myself because of this... and that in turn affects everything about me. I feel so empty inside and I take it out on myself. I see myself as an ugly person. Worthless. Not worthy of anyone. Why would anyone want me if there's nothing inside anyway... right? I give up in a way before I ever go in.
I want to change this. I want to get what I need. However, I also don't want to get it in the wrong way. I don't want to be drunk, or high. I don't want something just based off of attraction. Something that's just lust. I want something that's serious. I've thought this way for as long as I can remember. And I've been told time and time again that I'm a "fag," "pussy," "bitch," or anything else you can think of... people have told me to just go out and hook up with people.. because it's fun. It feels good. It'll make things better for me, but I could never get the concept. Why? Why do I want this from someone who doesn't even know me? Or care? Or someone who probably won't even acknowledge me the next morning.
And because of this I'm very on guard about things. It's difficult. There's none like me in my environment... at least not that I've found. And I know I'll never convert to the other side. No matter how many times I get hurt. I've tried before and couldn't even try to get anywhere. It's just not Travone.
So I don't know what I'll do... I doubt I can be different than I already am. This is me... and I'm not sure how I feel about it, but hopefully someone good will Love me for what I am. All of my flaws and weirdness... but for now I guess I can't get no satisfaction.
And because of this I'm very on guard about things. It's difficult. There's none like me in my environment... at least not that I've found. And I know I'll never convert to the other side. No matter how many times I get hurt. I've tried before and couldn't even try to get anywhere. It's just not Travone.
So I don't know what I'll do... I doubt I can be different than I already am. This is me... and I'm not sure how I feel about it, but hopefully someone good will Love me for what I am. All of my flaws and weirdness... but for now I guess I can't get no satisfaction.
awww i really liked that post, travone
ReplyDeleteyou will find someone someday that is suitable for you
and understands where you're coming from. And someone will see that you are not about random hooking up, and not caring about the girl the next morning.. thats not who you are and im glad your standing your ground with that. Even if guys judge you. Its just a matter of time. :] so smile.
you are not worthless. dont believe that for a second. you will find someone someday that will love you for exactly who you are, flaws and all. don't give up! you are an amazing person, you just havnt found that person that fits with you yet. your young, you still have so much time to find that person. i was actually feeling the same way you are about all of this but the other day i was talking to my R.A. about it for some reason and she said i am so young still and is should work on bettering myself first because its so much harder too do that while your with someone or looking for someone. you have to let the person your supposed to be with come to you. there will be a point where you both will find each other and that will be amazing. but for now, focus on yourself and what you want and what you need and just let everything fall into place. i promise you you wont be waiting forever. it may seem that way, but its not. you have to just let it be. stick to your values and dont give in to peer pressure about hooking up with random girls. it wouldnt be you if you did that. i respect the fact that you think thats wrong. so many people these days make the stupidest decisions, its like they have no morals or values at all. dont ever let anyone bring you down. you are a good person and you have values. dont let anyone push you around and most importantly dont let them get to you. you are you and your not going to change (unless you want to). hold your head up high and be proud to be who you are. someone will come along eventually, you just have to accept that it might not be right now, it might not be next year, but it will happen.
ReplyDeleteDon't change or let other guys get you to do anything you don't feel is the way you want to do it. THis summer I guess I kind of took advantage of an oppurtunity that presented itself to me which isn't "me" at all, but some people pressured me to do it and I decided to go away from my norm. To make a long story short I sort of went against my "principles" that I've set for myself, and sex is fun but it definetly wasn't worth the regret I have now for losing it the way I did, not to mention how much problems and anxiety that half an hour has had on my life. Make sure its right, and be patient. Keep your eyes and heart open like you do man, a genuine person lke you needs a genuine companion, they don't come around often, but I'm sure that a girl who matches up with you will truely be beautiful in and out and worth the wait. Stick in there man!!!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this so well, because I too am in college, and faced with temptation. It seems like all of my friends are sexually active except me. And I know what you mean about needing to be loved. It's human nature...as MJ would say. But anyway, don't give in. Because when you do find someone you can be deeply affectionate with, it will mean so much more. It's so easy to get caught up in today's world, full of sin, demons, malice, and ungodly things. I just pray that God will put the right man in my life. No longer do I have to search for Him. And my faith keeps me from slipping into depression from loneliness and waiting. Also, my friends and writing encourage me to be strong...
ReplyDelete-ps I have a lot of respect for you as a young man of your age to be having these standards. It is so refreshing to read something like this. It gives me hope in knowing that guys are capable of having patience and waiting