I can't sleep. I shouldn't anyways as I have a sociology paper to start/finish but it's difficult to concentrate on these things with everything that's kind of resting on my shoulders right now. I keep sitting here thinking of how I've come to this point. In one semester I've managed to tear my ACL, I've made a complete fool of myself to certain people and I think they'd like to do without me. And now I don't even know what my near future is going to have in store for me. Honestly I would have never expected myself to reach here. I don't consider myself a bad person yet I keep getting caught in bad situations. And right now I want something that can just make me feel better... be it drugs, sex, alcohol... all things that are still really unexplored to me and things that I've been afraid of misusing. But now I wonder if I'm going to miss out on certain opportunities or if maybe that's why I've found myself in these situations in the first place. Maybe I can make up for lost time before it's all too late. I know that's not me, but I'd definitely like something to numb all of this... I know there's nothing that's going to change what has already happened. So what now???

Just a little bit too late...

I had felt good...

Despite all of the stress that was put unto me. Regardless of the way I just kept extending myself with no results. Regardless of the fact that it didn't add up to what I had wanted. Even with my fall last week, when I got so extremely drunk and made a complete fool of myself... Even with all of that I felt good. Because reflecting on last week I realized a lot about myself. I realized that I was pushing and pulling and doing everything I possibly could to appeal to someone... to something... and in those efforts I just ended up doing the exact opposite. I tried so hard that I just ended showing sides of me which usually don't even exist. It became an obsession because I felt I knew it had to work. No matter what happened, I had to have it. And last week my eyes were just opened. I realized that I wasn't being myself and letting things happen. I got so caught up in the effort and so effected by the results I was receiving that I just began to shit on myself. And wonder why my existence was even worth it. I was going downhill and there was no stopping me.

But yet still with all of this I thought and realized that these downfalls all weren't a big deal. And that I was letting them have a hold on me. Sure I feel like someone may be worth all of that but I thought and understood that I'm worth the same amount at least. I stopped and thought of how I've done the best in my power to live in a way that follows my code, and I thought of how my code is good. I re evaluated myself through the right eyes. I laughed things off. I just understood that I'm worth it. And I shouldn't be killing myself to appeal to someone.. trying so hard, especially when they give me less than nothing in return. When they disrespect even. I shouldn't take that. I decided that I should do me and not do for anyone else. That I should enjoy things and have fun, and if things work out then so be it. But if not then it's anyone else's loss because I'm worth it. I came to this conclusion and felt good. I still want certain things... but I realize that the best is waiting somewhere and when it's time it'll surely find me, and I wasn't going to sit around and wait for it... let alone try to force someone to be it.

But unfortunately there are still consequences for everything I've endured to reach this breakthrough. In the midst of all of my depression and everything I've be going through I've reached this sweet spot yet now something else throws itself into my way. I've just been recently punished for my actions last week... being caught and transported to the hospital. I've been told that I am no longer being provided housing for the fall semester. What this means is so much. First off it means that I cannot live on campus which is the ideal situation for me. It also means that if I'm to attend school here next semester (which I would like to) I will need to find someplace else to stay. This could all jeopardize me even being able to attend here next semester. Whether or not I can wrestle. It can affect when I will graduate. It also means that I've let so many people down. My mother for one.. I cannot even fathom how she's going to react to this. The rest of the family, my coach, my team... but most important myself. I've been lost these couple of months and I've been acting upon things wrongly. My head hasn't been clear and I've now been dealt with these consequences. And I'm not going to say that I don't deserve it... but I can honestly say I don't know what I'm going to do from here or what direction I really can take. And in a way I feel as if with all of this still now on plate if things had worked out with certain people I'd feel ok. But for now I'm going to have to be strong on my own and see what I can do with what's at hand.

But at least now I realize my worth... and I'm going to need it in order to get through this.

Last Night

I thought for some apparent reason it would be okay for me to get drunk. DRUNK. I never get hammered I always keep it to a certain level but I decided ahead of time last night would be the night and I was afraid going into it because of what could happen. And I know myself well, and I was right. I wind up in the hospital of all places because I blew a .14 and no one was around to watch me. Yet I was fine. I didn’t even throw up that night, but I did all day the morning after. I wake up and I start looking at my text messages from last night… and it’s just upsetting. I talk to my friend.. and learn that she was there, and that I was talking to her. I don’t remember her even being there. Same with another friend. I continue to hear how I was being a clingy annoyance and I’m even more shocked to hear that I smoked about 4 times!!! Nothing I remember. I can only remember myself taking up to 8 shots of vodka. After that there was a blur. Another friend told me I was begging for cigarettes just to smoke with someone. I kept accusing someone of having sex with a teammate of mine. I said things to some people that I really regret. I finally snapped back to reality when I heard someone say I was being annoying and wouldn’t leave them alone. I remember everything on after this. I got shoved out of a room obviously because I was being a pain. I just sit here now and think of everything and my head just hurts. I’m just embarrassed, ashamed, and must of all regretful. And I’ve completely brought myself down a whole level. Certain things that already were bugging me before are killing me now. I don’t even know how to approach some of the things that are going through my head, or how I can even hold my head up when I see certain people. Or get back to a point I once was at in certain people’s eyes. I’ve let one situation completely tear me apart to shreds for nearly 2 months and and I guess that was one of the final straws. I don’t know where to go from here because I’m still unstable. And I can’t get things off my head and I can’t seem to accept that I’ve fucked some things up and I will NEVER get them back to how I want them to be. And I’ll sit here this weekend alone and ponder all of this I know as I reach near insanity. I just don’t know what I’m doing, or why. I want it so bad but I’ve already missed my flight, and I just keep waiting for it to come back. And that’s where I’m still at right now. I’m holding on so tightly to it, I can’t let it go.