I guess I'll always be a dreamer...

I guess I'll always be a dreamer
Dreaming my life away, dreaming my life away
A romantic fool, that's what I am
I think about you, all day long
Though it's impossible, for us to be together
Oh it's not real, a love I can't feel

Guess I'll always be a dreamer
Dreaming my life away, dreaming my life away
I just can't wait, till I go to sleep
I'll be with you, all night long
Circumstances held me in a terrible face
It's fantasy, I just like to share these moments together

Guess I'll always be a dreamer
Dreaming my life away, dreaming my life away
And nothing comes but sleep, to a dreamer
And when you wake up the dream is gone away

Guess I'll always be a dreamer
Dreaming my life away, dreaming my life away
Guess I'll always be a dreamer
Dreaming my life away, dreaming my life away


So yes... I LOOOOVE Michael Jackson, The Jackson 5, and the Jacksons, and this song... the theme, the lyrics, the feel is one that I can exactly relate to. I've always been a dreamer and I always will be I know. Which is even how I came up with the name for my blog. Dreams keep me and in my opinion everyone going. It's what we want are greatest desires and sometimes imagining these things can just get us by.


I've had hard times... and good times. And I still have things in life that I strive for.. at least that I want to touch, and in a way as the song says I fear sometimes I could be dreaming my life away... Letting these things be enough to keep me going. Living off my dreams and never making them a reality. But then again could any desire become true if it wasn't a dream in the first place?


Everynight... day.. whenever I always have my dreams and even though they might be silly I never let them go. Dreams of Love & happiness. Laughs... everything I feel I need. To be successful, to have confidence. To not care what anyone thinks because everything I'd need all my dreams would be right by my side... and I'd be secure with that.


My imagination runs wild all the time... yes I'm a romantic fool and maybe the perfect Love in my head can never exist but I suppose if we can dream it we can make it all true. There are so many figures out there.. Michael Jackson included who caught their dreams. Athletes, artists, politicians,  even normal people who went out and got what they wanted out of life and are happy. These people are the reason why I still dream, and why I think I always will, and in time I think I know I'll make it. It may seem impossible a lot and there are setbacks but I can always go back and dream and that will give me something to push even more.


I think anythings possible as long as we all dream. What are your dreams? What do you wish for? What do you want to get out of life? No dream is stupid and I hope we all someday make them come true.


Tell me your Dreams...

Last words on this

So! After talking to the beautiful Juliana (^__^) I realize that I really need to change some of the things I do. I observe a lot from the outside, and take note on things I see with people. I'll see someone I think is attractive, or I'll like their style, and I'll leave it at that. But as weeks go by little things I see could add up.. and I'll try to judge what kind of person they are from the things I see. For example if someone walks by I see them looking down at their feet. And that's just not good! I guess maybe from my past experiences I'm just afraid to approach people, but I need to stop, because then once I meet one of these people I have this entire log of them.. weeks worth and I already have a certain liking to them. And once they confirm things or they show themselves to be good people too I'm hooked, and it's as if I've known this person for so long. And they on the other hand just met me and have no clue because I hide in the shadows. And then I get so excited from like good vibes I just let it control me and I'm not myself, and I listen to other people WAY too much. Not to mention I also come off as crazy lol... and people don't understand. I'm sorry that I lost a friendship opportunity from this but I feel in time things will change maybe. I'm not upset anymore and I just realize I have to laugh it off and keep going. I've learned from this, it's another thing to put into the books to NEVER do again lol. At the same time I need to not care what people think... or worry what people think of me. It gives me an anxiety and just isn't good. It makes me act differently. Or try to live up to something I'm not. Do things that I'm not. I know that the people who know the real me know how good of a person I am. And I just need to believe in that and just be myself... and be patient. Well life is about experiences. I'll get it eventually.

o__o

So...
This weekend was definitely a big lesson for me. After talking to my friend I just realized how badly I executed things. And I guess it's all about anxiety and just patience and just going with the flow which I'm not good at. I definitely push myself at people too much sometimes and that definitely doesn't go so well. It also makes me seem insane.. or just a loser. It's something I definitely need to be aware of in the future. I over think things too much and then really I just kind of fuck something up before it even starts, and this time it kind of sucks because a friendship opportunity was lost and that kind of sucks the most to me because it was a really cool person and I think that bothers me the most that I won't even get a friendship out of it, which meant a lot to me. To add to my weekend from hell my bank accounts been hit by fraud and I'm in debt $300 -__- So I have to wait until Tuesday so I can file a claim and hopefully get my money back!!! I just hope I can bounce back from this and learn from my mistakes.

Shit it's V-Day...

So I've come to realize that it's Valentine's Day... which is interesting for me with the events that occurred to me recently. If you don't know check my last couple of posts. But I'm here on the day all about relationships & Love and I find myself really taking a look at what it all might really mean.

In a way I feel as if I've become numb to V-Day. It really used to bug me in that I wanted a relationship so bad, but at this point I've become so accustomed to hurt, or just letdowns I feel as if it's just comforting in a sick sort of way. Also, maybe it's just something that goes along with me being mature as I'm getting older? Yeah who knows...

I look at myself... as I do every time I experience a setback of some sort in my life and try to improve on my mistakes, and I think I've made an insane breakthrough about this process. I suddenly just thought about WHAT is wrong with me? As always... and I look to see what changes I need to make in order to accomplish what I want and I've kind of come up with a new theory. I've continuously looked into myself to change who I am for the better. Whether it be in being outgoing, approach, cunning, whatever it may be and every time I end up where I am now it's as if I just re-winded a VHS and am right back where I started.

And that's when I thought... maybe I need to stop trying to change myself. Maybe confidence, and being outgoing, or bold, or gutsy just isn't something I will ever be, and trying to change is just wasting my time over and over? Maybe just how I am now someone will come and everything will click. Maybe I should give up on self improvement and just live with myself now.

I also started to think the triangles we often find ourselves in. One likes another... and in turn that person is stuck on another, and no one wins. And I think of why this always happens. We put a fixture on what we want and what we feel will work and sometimes I wonder... maybe we've all passed on what was a good match over and over. Maybe you have to give the person not in your viewfinder a shot... I think it happens so often they appear we're just looking elsewhere and we overlook it. When quite possible that could've been the most beautiful relationship all along. What I'm just trying to say is maybe that's what we need to realize. The right opportunities show themselves all the time and we overlook them. I wonder if people get married to what they originally thought was their dream. I'm guessing not... it's usually someone different who turned out to be everything they need.

We have this image and this feeling that we've all put together from films. We make it alter how we look at things. Sometimes I think we just have to take off that layer of glamor. I've overlooked people and I've been overlooked and these probably could've made the best connections of all.

Maybe we look for it in the wrong ways. Using alcohol to to maybe find something. Or maybe not using alcohol and just waiting it out is the wrong way. I really don't know but looking at my experiences I think I feel it's all something to think about. We look at relationships as something that needs time to last as well and I'm starting to think you just can't measure it in that way. I want to say I think of Love as a snapshot. A photo. It's like a still image... it captures memories, an emotion, and that image lasts forever. Things might change... you might not be 5 anymore, but you can always go back to that photo and it'll be there. And I feel that is what a relationship is. Regardless of how it ends... if it's still going... whatever, we can look back at love we've had, and remember that for what it was.

There's just so much to think about. Not to mention the many relationships out there today that will be celebrating even though they're unfaithful... they lie... take advantage. So for everyone like me who's at a weird place in their life and they aren't sure what to do... I'd say to take a look back at everything. And notice everything in your viewfinder... Consider it all. Think about what matters, but never settle for anything that won't give you JUST as much. And don't be afraid to try something new.. I know it's hard believe me... but we'll never know unless we try right? I've failed time and time again but I'm still alive somehow, and I'm still going.

So take chances... you never know how it could turn out. Be true to yourself. Give your all. If you feel it's there try... Someone will notice you for what's inside. Think as Valentines Day as just another pit stop on the way towards your destination. And don't count anyone out... Your Love is also your friend. You never know.

Sooo ugly

So there's a song that I've been working on, (lyrics no music as of yet) and it centers around ugly people. And I've come up with my own notion for why people ARE ugly, and it has nothing to do with appearance. Ugly to me is our flaws. So maybe someone who is superficial...spiteful... that makes them ugly. One of the verses turns the lens on me... and I put out why I'm ugly. Here is some of thought's I've had while thinking on it.

I'm ugly... because I doubt myself. I'm ugly... because I want what I'll never have. I'm ugly... because I'll give you my all before you even give me a little. Because I'm timid. Because I don't learn from my mistakes. Because I stare into the mirror and hate what stares back. Because I don't like myself all too much. Because I give in. Because I don't give in. Because I dream... and that's enough to get me by. Because I don't take chances. Because I wear my heart on my sleeve... so I get hurt a lot. Because I let the wrong people walk all over me and don't give the right people the time of day. Because I believe someday I'll make it. Because I'm shy. Because I Love you. Because I believe someday "me" will be "we." Because I'm kept awake at night still latching on to some hope I feel exists for me somewhere.

To me we're all ugly in so many ways. But of course we're all beautiful at the same time. Just... I can't look into myself and find what beautiful if any I have. Now that's ugly...

No matter how it ends, no matter how it starts...

So... I've been given a friends "for now." And I really just don't know what this means?? It's give me the feeling of chance... but it also makes me say... Travone it's over. We knew this from the beginning. Just stop. Save yourself any further humiliation. But.. idk what to feel. There's this part of me that just wants to give it that go, because if there's any little chance at all... I'd be willing to take them for what I feel "we" could be. Or what we could "have." Am I wrong here? I know she's unsure about the future but aren't we all? Should that stop us from trying something in the moment if it feels right? We never know what's going to happen tomorrow so why not take the leap with me?  It's just difficult for me to handle, and I'm still thinking of how to deal with it. And the vibe and first lines of this song just play out how I feel.


I don't wanna be your friend
I just wanna be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

And idk... I wonder what I'm doing. I'd rather her tell me... hey you know I think you're ugly. Or "you know it's because you're black." SOMETHING! ANYTHING! And half of me feels that's what it is, but once again someone is trying to be nice to me? Who knows. All I know is if there is chance then I'll stick around and see where it could take me. As I said I don't know what tomorrow holds.

Again

We say never again... but again always comes. I've once again become a victim to some image or snapshot of Love that I thought could exist, and I once again was shut down and put back into my place, and I will probably once again go through the same thing again. I can't seem to escape it. At the same time everyone seems to feel it's okay to step on my fingers, because I'm just so insignificant that'd it'd be okay. People repeatedly stand me up... play me a fool... LIE to try and be nice. I don't get it. I won't accept it. I just need to start cutting them out of my life.it will leave me all alone but maybe that's what's needed. I just don't get things sometimes and I swear if put in a similar situation I'm just going to be outright instead of beating around the bush. Idk where to go next from here... or what to do. I'm pretty much fed up with myself ans everything.

Alright... Things have reached the breaking point. Everything's set in place to change. Sink or swim. It all happens within the next couple of days... Hopefully I'm meant to win.

In Limbo

Play this song as you read this post... It basically captures how I feel... the emotions.

It's been awhile since I posted last I know but I'm into the semester and it's been interesting. Wrestling is going as always, new classes, added stress, the social life... but recently something unexpected just leaped into my way.

The past week I met someone that I feel I have a connection with... and them to me. For the first time ever I think... I was comfortable, around someone I felt a way about. She caught my eye earlier but as always that means nothing. I had no idea about what was in her heart... what her soul was like.

It's just in my nature I guess to watch people... and I grow interest to what attracts me naturally. She drew my interest. I talked with her some once at a party but I still didn't know from that. Being how I am I look for a relationship... for a connection, trust, Love... someone with similar morals to mine, and similar interests. Someone just right. And in this I've never really ever found someone who's been that "just right," or thought I was "just right" either.

So the next week I ended up hanging out with friends... her being one of them. I went into it as I usually do. I'm shy... especially around people I'm attracted to, but I for some reason it wasn't really that much of a bother for me this time. We started talking me and her and all of that anxiety left me really. We talked & talked & talked... and there was so much we had in common. There were some things we disagreed on but they were playful. What was important we mutual Loved. All while this was happening the attraction I had before grew, and it just became overwhelming.

As the weekend went on we would hang out more... and all the while the connection in my eyes grew. It was surreal. I've never once in my life felt this way... because I still feel it now too. And it made me tell myself that I want it... completely. Nothing more... and I'd be happy. And I've now made this my mission... to prove to her that I'm worth her time. That I can fulfill everything she'd ever want, because I feel so passionately about this I know I can. And I just want to get that opportunity.

So I'm now in what I've dubbed "Love Limbo." Because I'm in the waiting ground to see what will become of this. As when people wait to find out if they'll go to Heaven or Hell... I'm waiting to find out if this will sink like the Titanic or Sail endlessly. And it I must say it's torture. I'm fragile from years of hurt, and from being accustomed to failure. I'm afraid to get so high off of this because it can just turn out to fail on me like everything else.

I don't see myself as much of value either so it's very scary right now. She's all I think about... which is bad this early maybe? And I don't want to give off the wrong idea. That I just want sex... or to push too hard. Or bee to careful and fall into a friend zone. It's all new to me and I'm just afraid to fuck things up... because I believe if I do things right everything will work out.

Soo that's where I am now... trying to prove my worth and win her heart. But even though it's so difficult for me I'm realizing more and more I just need to be myself... as I did that first night. I keep looking to the more experienced but no one has more experience as Travone than Travone. And if it's meant to be (I hope it fucking is) Love will make it happen. But for right now I'm just playing chess... In Limbo.