Summer

I'm shaking. I've come a long way. I've felt alive, and I've felt good. For the first time ever consistently. I've proved myself wrong and I've felt like I'm worth something. I've felt what it's like to be worth something in these past couple of months. Someone has loved me. Cared for me.. about me. I've felt like I can actually do anything. Be anything. I guess I've had the best summer of my life... because I finally let go of some things and went out on a limb. I've been drinking, smoking, Loving, living, soaring... I've been selfish, I've put myself first for a change, I've taken risks.

I had my first relationship... which was short lived, but I grew from it. I learned so much. I figured out that it's not that simple, and that you can't just jump into something when you're already broken yourself. Or if you can't feel a certain connection that should be there. I had to end it because things weren't right. And I think I mostly jumped the gun not having any past experience to go off I felt it could be right, but I was wrong, and I feel that's okay... because that's what life is. Learning, experience. And now I have something to go off and I understand so much more about relationships I feel, and Love it's not as I had made it out to be. Not that I was in Love, but it's given me a whole new perspective on the topic.

I still have needs. I still obviously want someone who I can talk to and hug & squeeze and trust and care for as my own. I still want to feel Loved. I still want someone who's a friend as well as more. But the greatest thing is now I feel as if I'm fine without it as well. It no longer kills me anymore. I'm fine and content, and I think that's maybe because I've now had something and it's affected how I feel about myself a lot. It's something I've had now as well so its no longer mysterious... and no longer seems impossible. I've been doing a lot a growing and I've still have so much more to do but it's been a great feeling to actually experience progression.

It's a crazy thing... when someone actually wants you. It's something that I've been just experiencing which is really just bizarre to me, because I still can't really seem to understand what value I could have to anyone when  for so long I've felt like nothing. It's flattering in a way. It feels good. It's helped my self esteem in a lot of ways. And people can always seem to sense the sadness inside of me... and I'm always trying to make them see that I'm not worth their time. That I'm not anything at all. I want them to realize that soon enough they'll realize I'm not what they think I can be. I think it's because I'm afraid that they'll tire of me. Uncover my problems and really not want me. Give up on me. I want it to happen before it gets to a point where it would just break me when it happens. I have an fear that once people realize what kind of person I am they won't want anything to do with me. And this is something I still need to get over. I get embarrassed that I'm 21 and have had almost no experience with woman. I'm shy about letting out some of my feelings or interests or thoughts because I guess really maybe I'm still thinking so lowly of myself, and it as a result has me feel like everyone else will agree. But I'm working on not caring and I'm getting better.... SLOWLY. I honestly want to always say what I feel whether anyone feels it's lame or Im soft and just really not care because thats me and the people I want in my life will accept me for that.

And always I'm told that I'm different. I'm not like other guys. It's always bothered me and as my confidence has been rising those other guy thoughts start to dance around in my head. It's as if I understand it now. It makes much more sense to me. It's practical for once... As insane as that may sound. It seems as if it could be the way to go. And there have been points this summer where I felt I would want to do it. Be selfish. Get just what I want... think only about myself. Disregard for others feelings. Think about sex and nothing else. But it's something that must just not be possible for me because I always find myself sticking to my normal ways. Checking myself... my conscience weighing on me. Making sure I'm doing things in a noble way. I care about people way too much.

That way I'll always be left vulnerable I guess... and no matter what I don't think I could really ever do something with someone I don't really care about, because it means so much more to me that way. I can actually connect with a person. And get the best feelings rather than something that's just about sex. It may be risky and leave me open but it also makes me stay true to my own heart.

As I said I've been smoking here and there every couple of weeks, maybe still experimenting with it I guess. And in some ways I've stopped and felt like I'm so much like my father. Drinking some and then having a smoke, and maybe it's the same reason I've been doing it because it relaxes me and makes me put away some of my worries. I don't like how it feels because I don't want to become my father. I don't want to avoid all of my problems or my responsibilities... I want to be there for the people I care about and make sure I'm in control of my life. And as usual it hasn't been all pleasant with my parents. I've been having to take control of a lot of things and I owe money to school and to the hospital still as well as other bills for my knee troubles, and to be honest no one wants to help and that's scary. There's no way I can pay for it all by myself, even school which is the most important issue, so much to the point that I still haven't even picked my classes yet because I owe some money. But it's happened before and things always seem to work out so I'm trusting that it will this time too.

But regardless of all my doubts and feelings it's been a great summer. Working with kids is just as great as ever. I still Love the innocence that children possess. They just laugh and smile and they have fun. They say just what they feel. They haven't weathered any storms yet. Or been hurt. Or felt lost. And I always think about the things I have been through... and I just pray so much that they never have to go through any of that. I worry for them because I know as they get older all the pressures of the world, life, and Love are going to test them. And I hope they're all up for it and they don't fall under. I wish they never have to feel sad thoughts and just be happy. I wish the world for them. And there are a few who I can see have that look in their eye that makes me feel like some of those feelings have already started in them as they were in my as a kid. I see a certain unhappiness there, and I hope they get through it and realize they've got to Love themselves. I'm not perfect but I've come a long way with that and the results have been amazing.

I've laughed and smiled. My days are mostly happy with only some minor humps. Which is the exact opposite of how my life has been in the past. I feel better about myself on a whole. Heck I like myself! I've had great adventures and they've made me realize how much I kinda Love my town... and how beautiful it could be. Or maybe just how beautiful life can be. The sun setting... all those beautiful colors. The nice breeze. Even the night sky at the beach is just so amazing. And these are all things I've never really stopped and took the time to appreciate. And now that I am I just kind of love life more. I see so much more possibilities and I know how to just be happy. I'm not so down much. The chip's been lifted off my shoulder. I'm becoming the person I should be... Becoming the best that I can be. Slowly but surely. And it feels so good. And I'm going to keep it going. Even though I still doubt myself a lot it's becoming less and less. And soon I know it'll be gone for good. It's only just a matter of time.

Idk what to do...

It's been about 3 weeks since I've left school. I'm home among a much different atmosphere. Things are slow. Activity is low. There isn't much to do. Work is hard to find and my job still doesn't start for a good couple of weeks. I was given great news when I was told that I'm being given a second chance with housing for school in the fall. This is a very big deal and a relief. The dean was impressed that I still went back to talk with the counselor there even after I got the decision and now I'm back from the dead. I'm very grateful about this and I'm going to make sure not to make anymore mistakes and jeopardize myself and my education again.

As for life at home I've been doing great the past few weeks. I've been working on taking pictures I've become intrigued by the world of photography these past couple of months and I'm determined to get better at it. All of my little other projects have been there as well. I've been keeping busy... I don't go out of the house much but when I do it's fun and I've been keeping myself occupied when inside. Things didn't seem to bad. I believe I was still high off of the good end of the semester. Still feeling the good vibes off of the drugs I experimented with. Still high off the friendships that felt so strong.

But now it's been 22 days off and back into the trapped world. I spend most of my time sitting right here on this futon which is home. Glued to my computer. Not too much of a life. The few friends I have here are on the same boat for the most part. It's back to how it was in high school. I sit inside for hours to myself while my moms at work. Camps haven't started yet so there's not much for me to do. I just spent all of my money on a new camera so I'm kind of limited in those respects as well. I sit in isolation for hours. The internet keeps me sane. Keeps me connected to some extent. I talk to anyone whenever I can. Anything to get some of the connection I wish for. I've been thinking about how I can improve on myself, my pictures, my music, my art, my life but as of just recently I just get brought down. I can't seem to just go with the flow anymore. Can't ignore that I still feel completely alone at all times of the day. There's no one that understands. No way to make anyone understand. I can't explain how I even feel. There's too much that's just broken inside of me and I'm being brought back to old memories when I've felt cold. Scared. Lost. Hurt. It all still sits within me.

I want to just live and love and enjoy myself and have fun. And express myself and be happy and feel loved and like I belong. But at this point that seems like some kind of dream fantasy. Everything feels empty. I wonder if trying out some drugs again will make me feel better but to be honest I don't think I want to. It feels almost like it's fake to me. Simulated. I was up for a little while but here I am once again.

I look at my life in a way as some kind of joke right now. Reflecting back on certain things I've felt and what has happened to me I wonder why sometimes I tried. I wonder why I try now. I ask why certain things have to happen to me. Reflecting as I type right now I can still feel it all inside of me. I guess I've got some form of cancer.. and it's spreading. There's certainly things inside me from all that's happened that I can't just be happy. Feel real. Connect with people. Get it... like everyone else does. And in ways I blame it on my mother. I blame it on me. I blame on my father. I blame it on her. On him. Why certain things happen that hurts me so much I wish everyone could see inside of me and know that I don't mean to do any harm.

I'm on some kind of last limb. My eyes feel how they've never felt right now... as if I've got little weights within them. My heart is lonely. I want to hug someone and not let go. I need to feel like I'm not alone in this. Reality is just eating away at my soul.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do here. Or the real purpose of posting this. I have no real point as I usually feel I do but I'm just writing this.... to write this. I wish things were different. Dying wouldn't seem half bad right about now. But no... I'll stay here. It's like drowning endlessly... but I can't die.

Last Night

I swear last night I had so much fun and it was wonderful. Yes I was high... and I was also drinking and the timing of it all along with how much I had was JUUUUUUST right. I can't deny it but it always just puts me into the right state of mind, and I'm soo happy. There's nothing that can phase me, and even when things still are bothering me I know it's going to be okay. Everytime I lose myself it's like a movie... a film. And everytime it's an oscar winning one if it could be seen through my eyes. It's wonderful. The best actors you could ask for... and they're all perfectly in character of course because they're playing themselves, and I just love it I think it's brilliant. And another thing when I'm high I notice how beautiful everyone is. I walked around this party and I just noticed just how wonderful everyone looked, and it was great. I don't why but it's just so much more appealing. It's a pity I couldn't see myself. Another thing I must say is I notice so many more things when I'm high. For example my friend last night.. we've had our ups and downs, but as we were driving in the car I looked to her and I just realized how much I Love who she is. She drinks a lot. She has sex. She doesn't give a fuck about it being wrong or not in the right way and she has fun, and she gets what she needs, and most importantly she's happy. And she doesn't let things weigh her down. She just says fuck it and she just goes and she gets what she wants, and it may make her selfish in so many ways and spoiled but that's good. That's how it should be. She's free. I spend all my life worried about everything but myself. And to be honestly on that car ride I realized that I envy her for how she lives and to be honest I wish I had the courage to be like that. But all in all it was such an experience, and it's still fresh in my head. I'm I've been left in just a happy mood today and I hope it keeps up. Life is just starting...

It's my birthday

I'm 21 finally! Not that I was anticipating it so much. 2010 has been so crazy for me thus far. I tore my ACL. Went through so many emotional situations. Made great friends and lost some for no reason at all. I smoked for the first time... both ways. SHHHHH. I blacked out for the first time! And wound up in the hospital! D: Then got kicked out of housing for the fall semester as a result!! D: I had a life changing experience on 4/20. I went to my first rock concert and it's changed my life! I got MSRA last week and im recovering from it now! I feel as if I've been getting into so many things and it's nice actually. I've held back a lot in the past and even though I'm not going fully crazy I'm exploring now. I may be a late bloomer but I'm glad I've waited. I'm still learning so much and I don't think I will ever stop learning. I'm happy to be alive. I have over a $1000 in hospital bills to pay and I need $200 for my brace but I'm not bothered. I can't wait to just keep going see what life has waiting for me. I feel as if this year has changed me so much and I'm now ready to just do it all... and the great thing is I feel I can do all of this and still stay true to myself which is what I care about. :)

I can't sleep. I shouldn't anyways as I have a sociology paper to start/finish but it's difficult to concentrate on these things with everything that's kind of resting on my shoulders right now. I keep sitting here thinking of how I've come to this point. In one semester I've managed to tear my ACL, I've made a complete fool of myself to certain people and I think they'd like to do without me. And now I don't even know what my near future is going to have in store for me. Honestly I would have never expected myself to reach here. I don't consider myself a bad person yet I keep getting caught in bad situations. And right now I want something that can just make me feel better... be it drugs, sex, alcohol... all things that are still really unexplored to me and things that I've been afraid of misusing. But now I wonder if I'm going to miss out on certain opportunities or if maybe that's why I've found myself in these situations in the first place. Maybe I can make up for lost time before it's all too late. I know that's not me, but I'd definitely like something to numb all of this... I know there's nothing that's going to change what has already happened. So what now???

Just a little bit too late...

I had felt good...

Despite all of the stress that was put unto me. Regardless of the way I just kept extending myself with no results. Regardless of the fact that it didn't add up to what I had wanted. Even with my fall last week, when I got so extremely drunk and made a complete fool of myself... Even with all of that I felt good. Because reflecting on last week I realized a lot about myself. I realized that I was pushing and pulling and doing everything I possibly could to appeal to someone... to something... and in those efforts I just ended up doing the exact opposite. I tried so hard that I just ended showing sides of me which usually don't even exist. It became an obsession because I felt I knew it had to work. No matter what happened, I had to have it. And last week my eyes were just opened. I realized that I wasn't being myself and letting things happen. I got so caught up in the effort and so effected by the results I was receiving that I just began to shit on myself. And wonder why my existence was even worth it. I was going downhill and there was no stopping me.

But yet still with all of this I thought and realized that these downfalls all weren't a big deal. And that I was letting them have a hold on me. Sure I feel like someone may be worth all of that but I thought and understood that I'm worth the same amount at least. I stopped and thought of how I've done the best in my power to live in a way that follows my code, and I thought of how my code is good. I re evaluated myself through the right eyes. I laughed things off. I just understood that I'm worth it. And I shouldn't be killing myself to appeal to someone.. trying so hard, especially when they give me less than nothing in return. When they disrespect even. I shouldn't take that. I decided that I should do me and not do for anyone else. That I should enjoy things and have fun, and if things work out then so be it. But if not then it's anyone else's loss because I'm worth it. I came to this conclusion and felt good. I still want certain things... but I realize that the best is waiting somewhere and when it's time it'll surely find me, and I wasn't going to sit around and wait for it... let alone try to force someone to be it.

But unfortunately there are still consequences for everything I've endured to reach this breakthrough. In the midst of all of my depression and everything I've be going through I've reached this sweet spot yet now something else throws itself into my way. I've just been recently punished for my actions last week... being caught and transported to the hospital. I've been told that I am no longer being provided housing for the fall semester. What this means is so much. First off it means that I cannot live on campus which is the ideal situation for me. It also means that if I'm to attend school here next semester (which I would like to) I will need to find someplace else to stay. This could all jeopardize me even being able to attend here next semester. Whether or not I can wrestle. It can affect when I will graduate. It also means that I've let so many people down. My mother for one.. I cannot even fathom how she's going to react to this. The rest of the family, my coach, my team... but most important myself. I've been lost these couple of months and I've been acting upon things wrongly. My head hasn't been clear and I've now been dealt with these consequences. And I'm not going to say that I don't deserve it... but I can honestly say I don't know what I'm going to do from here or what direction I really can take. And in a way I feel as if with all of this still now on plate if things had worked out with certain people I'd feel ok. But for now I'm going to have to be strong on my own and see what I can do with what's at hand.

But at least now I realize my worth... and I'm going to need it in order to get through this.

Last Night

I thought for some apparent reason it would be okay for me to get drunk. DRUNK. I never get hammered I always keep it to a certain level but I decided ahead of time last night would be the night and I was afraid going into it because of what could happen. And I know myself well, and I was right. I wind up in the hospital of all places because I blew a .14 and no one was around to watch me. Yet I was fine. I didn’t even throw up that night, but I did all day the morning after. I wake up and I start looking at my text messages from last night… and it’s just upsetting. I talk to my friend.. and learn that she was there, and that I was talking to her. I don’t remember her even being there. Same with another friend. I continue to hear how I was being a clingy annoyance and I’m even more shocked to hear that I smoked about 4 times!!! Nothing I remember. I can only remember myself taking up to 8 shots of vodka. After that there was a blur. Another friend told me I was begging for cigarettes just to smoke with someone. I kept accusing someone of having sex with a teammate of mine. I said things to some people that I really regret. I finally snapped back to reality when I heard someone say I was being annoying and wouldn’t leave them alone. I remember everything on after this. I got shoved out of a room obviously because I was being a pain. I just sit here now and think of everything and my head just hurts. I’m just embarrassed, ashamed, and must of all regretful. And I’ve completely brought myself down a whole level. Certain things that already were bugging me before are killing me now. I don’t even know how to approach some of the things that are going through my head, or how I can even hold my head up when I see certain people. Or get back to a point I once was at in certain people’s eyes. I’ve let one situation completely tear me apart to shreds for nearly 2 months and and I guess that was one of the final straws. I don’t know where to go from here because I’m still unstable. And I can’t get things off my head and I can’t seem to accept that I’ve fucked some things up and I will NEVER get them back to how I want them to be. And I’ll sit here this weekend alone and ponder all of this I know as I reach near insanity. I just don’t know what I’m doing, or why. I want it so bad but I’ve already missed my flight, and I just keep waiting for it to come back. And that’s where I’m still at right now. I’m holding on so tightly to it, I can’t let it go.

I can't get no... Satisfaction

One of the main things I've realize came from a lecture my sociology professor gave last week. He was talking about how people need affection in their lives. It's something that is vital in a person's life to really have sanity as well, and without it you really get depression as a result. It's unavoidable... we need other people in our lives, and we need Love as well. I've kind of realized that this is one of the major voids that I have within me. 

I'm nearly 21 years old now... and I can say that I have pretty much gone throughout my life thus far without any real sort of affection or sexual release in any way. It's something that I'm not really proud of. 

It's a very hard feeling to describe... especially being the atmosphere I'm in. College.. people are hooking up and getting together all of the time. It's all you really see and at the same time it's what you need... and what you want. And being one who never really gets to feed that desire or need it really burns. An empty pit that sits within your chest.. it's as if you have nothing there. Rising anxiety that just kind of creeps up your throat and surrounds your spine. It's like standing in endless rain that follows you wherever you go.  You can feel it in your heart.. it doesn't hurt but it rests there and it just teases you which is far worse. It's almost like icy-hot being spread inside of you. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever had, and unfortunately it's somewhat like home to me now. 

At times I wish I could just hug someone... because it would be fulfilling in some ways. Fill some of what is missing... make the unwanted feelings go away. Do just a little bit. It's something that I personally consider to be pathetic, and I'm ashamed of the fact that I'm so desperate for Love. As a man there's just something in me that says to "stop being a bitch." I fight with myself back and forth. Have to be tough. I don't need it. But I know I do. I've been around locker room talk. It doesn't help at all. I feel like I'm a lesser man. I don't like to disrespect woman and I never would and at least I have some comfort in that.

What I'm getting at is I can't respect myself because of this... and that in turn affects everything about me. I feel so empty inside and I take it out on myself. I see myself as an ugly person. Worthless. Not worthy of anyone.  Why would anyone want me if there's nothing inside anyway... right? I give up in a way before I ever go in.

I want to change this. I want to get what I need. However, I also don't want to get it in the wrong way. I don't want to be drunk, or high. I don't want something just based off of attraction. Something that's just lust. I want something that's serious. I've thought this way for as long as I can remember. And I've been told time and time again that I'm a "fag," "pussy," "bitch," or anything else you can think of... people have told me to just go out and hook up with people.. because it's fun. It feels good. It'll make things better for me, but I could never get the concept. Why? Why do I want this from someone who doesn't even know me? Or care? Or someone who probably won't even acknowledge me the next morning.


And because of this I'm very on guard about things. It's difficult. There's none like me in my environment... at least not that I've found. And I know I'll never convert to the other side. No matter how many times I get hurt. I've tried before and couldn't even try to get anywhere. It's just not Travone. 


So I don't know what I'll do... I doubt I can be different than I already am. This is me... and I'm not sure how I feel about it, but hopefully someone good will Love me for what I am. All of my flaws and weirdness... but for now I guess I can't get no satisfaction.

I hate it...

I'm angry.

I just don't get why people do things sometimes, and I'm always left on the train tracks and ran over because I care so much. I care about my friends more than I do myself, and I'm extending myself to try make everything right, and not have the wrong things happen, and I get lied to and then the wrong things still just go and happen.

It kills me.

Why is it people go and make mistakes when they're drunk? And I can't seem to make any kind of mistake... but their mistakes hurt me. More than it ever hurts them I think. I feel like I've failed them... just like everything else.

Everyone goes out and gets silly.. and they let go of everything. And for a moment they feel good.. and I don't know if it's really worth it. But for some point in time they let loose. People even drink just to do this. To make those wrong decisions and then not be held accountable for it because they were drunk. But I can't seem to do it.

And my friend tells me it's because I'm different. I'm not built the same way as everyone else. I care way too much about myself and everyone else to something like that. Maybe to the point where I can never do anything. If this is the case and I am just different... a rare collectible... than I don't know how I'm ever going to last through this life. Because it's hard to handle. I can't make those mistakes.. or lose control and get a release in some way. Not in that wrong way. Not if it's fake.. or brought on by some chemical influence.

And I think this could possibly end me because in a way I need it very badly.. but it's just not there. So I guess I can watch my friends make wrong decisions and regret them later, while I keep trying to make the right ones but still continue to die from the inside...

I guess I'll always be a dreamer...

I guess I'll always be a dreamer
Dreaming my life away, dreaming my life away
A romantic fool, that's what I am
I think about you, all day long
Though it's impossible, for us to be together
Oh it's not real, a love I can't feel

Guess I'll always be a dreamer
Dreaming my life away, dreaming my life away
I just can't wait, till I go to sleep
I'll be with you, all night long
Circumstances held me in a terrible face
It's fantasy, I just like to share these moments together

Guess I'll always be a dreamer
Dreaming my life away, dreaming my life away
And nothing comes but sleep, to a dreamer
And when you wake up the dream is gone away

Guess I'll always be a dreamer
Dreaming my life away, dreaming my life away
Guess I'll always be a dreamer
Dreaming my life away, dreaming my life away


So yes... I LOOOOVE Michael Jackson, The Jackson 5, and the Jacksons, and this song... the theme, the lyrics, the feel is one that I can exactly relate to. I've always been a dreamer and I always will be I know. Which is even how I came up with the name for my blog. Dreams keep me and in my opinion everyone going. It's what we want are greatest desires and sometimes imagining these things can just get us by.


I've had hard times... and good times. And I still have things in life that I strive for.. at least that I want to touch, and in a way as the song says I fear sometimes I could be dreaming my life away... Letting these things be enough to keep me going. Living off my dreams and never making them a reality. But then again could any desire become true if it wasn't a dream in the first place?


Everynight... day.. whenever I always have my dreams and even though they might be silly I never let them go. Dreams of Love & happiness. Laughs... everything I feel I need. To be successful, to have confidence. To not care what anyone thinks because everything I'd need all my dreams would be right by my side... and I'd be secure with that.


My imagination runs wild all the time... yes I'm a romantic fool and maybe the perfect Love in my head can never exist but I suppose if we can dream it we can make it all true. There are so many figures out there.. Michael Jackson included who caught their dreams. Athletes, artists, politicians,  even normal people who went out and got what they wanted out of life and are happy. These people are the reason why I still dream, and why I think I always will, and in time I think I know I'll make it. It may seem impossible a lot and there are setbacks but I can always go back and dream and that will give me something to push even more.


I think anythings possible as long as we all dream. What are your dreams? What do you wish for? What do you want to get out of life? No dream is stupid and I hope we all someday make them come true.


Tell me your Dreams...

Last words on this

So! After talking to the beautiful Juliana (^__^) I realize that I really need to change some of the things I do. I observe a lot from the outside, and take note on things I see with people. I'll see someone I think is attractive, or I'll like their style, and I'll leave it at that. But as weeks go by little things I see could add up.. and I'll try to judge what kind of person they are from the things I see. For example if someone walks by I see them looking down at their feet. And that's just not good! I guess maybe from my past experiences I'm just afraid to approach people, but I need to stop, because then once I meet one of these people I have this entire log of them.. weeks worth and I already have a certain liking to them. And once they confirm things or they show themselves to be good people too I'm hooked, and it's as if I've known this person for so long. And they on the other hand just met me and have no clue because I hide in the shadows. And then I get so excited from like good vibes I just let it control me and I'm not myself, and I listen to other people WAY too much. Not to mention I also come off as crazy lol... and people don't understand. I'm sorry that I lost a friendship opportunity from this but I feel in time things will change maybe. I'm not upset anymore and I just realize I have to laugh it off and keep going. I've learned from this, it's another thing to put into the books to NEVER do again lol. At the same time I need to not care what people think... or worry what people think of me. It gives me an anxiety and just isn't good. It makes me act differently. Or try to live up to something I'm not. Do things that I'm not. I know that the people who know the real me know how good of a person I am. And I just need to believe in that and just be myself... and be patient. Well life is about experiences. I'll get it eventually.

o__o

So...
This weekend was definitely a big lesson for me. After talking to my friend I just realized how badly I executed things. And I guess it's all about anxiety and just patience and just going with the flow which I'm not good at. I definitely push myself at people too much sometimes and that definitely doesn't go so well. It also makes me seem insane.. or just a loser. It's something I definitely need to be aware of in the future. I over think things too much and then really I just kind of fuck something up before it even starts, and this time it kind of sucks because a friendship opportunity was lost and that kind of sucks the most to me because it was a really cool person and I think that bothers me the most that I won't even get a friendship out of it, which meant a lot to me. To add to my weekend from hell my bank accounts been hit by fraud and I'm in debt $300 -__- So I have to wait until Tuesday so I can file a claim and hopefully get my money back!!! I just hope I can bounce back from this and learn from my mistakes.

Shit it's V-Day...

So I've come to realize that it's Valentine's Day... which is interesting for me with the events that occurred to me recently. If you don't know check my last couple of posts. But I'm here on the day all about relationships & Love and I find myself really taking a look at what it all might really mean.

In a way I feel as if I've become numb to V-Day. It really used to bug me in that I wanted a relationship so bad, but at this point I've become so accustomed to hurt, or just letdowns I feel as if it's just comforting in a sick sort of way. Also, maybe it's just something that goes along with me being mature as I'm getting older? Yeah who knows...

I look at myself... as I do every time I experience a setback of some sort in my life and try to improve on my mistakes, and I think I've made an insane breakthrough about this process. I suddenly just thought about WHAT is wrong with me? As always... and I look to see what changes I need to make in order to accomplish what I want and I've kind of come up with a new theory. I've continuously looked into myself to change who I am for the better. Whether it be in being outgoing, approach, cunning, whatever it may be and every time I end up where I am now it's as if I just re-winded a VHS and am right back where I started.

And that's when I thought... maybe I need to stop trying to change myself. Maybe confidence, and being outgoing, or bold, or gutsy just isn't something I will ever be, and trying to change is just wasting my time over and over? Maybe just how I am now someone will come and everything will click. Maybe I should give up on self improvement and just live with myself now.

I also started to think the triangles we often find ourselves in. One likes another... and in turn that person is stuck on another, and no one wins. And I think of why this always happens. We put a fixture on what we want and what we feel will work and sometimes I wonder... maybe we've all passed on what was a good match over and over. Maybe you have to give the person not in your viewfinder a shot... I think it happens so often they appear we're just looking elsewhere and we overlook it. When quite possible that could've been the most beautiful relationship all along. What I'm just trying to say is maybe that's what we need to realize. The right opportunities show themselves all the time and we overlook them. I wonder if people get married to what they originally thought was their dream. I'm guessing not... it's usually someone different who turned out to be everything they need.

We have this image and this feeling that we've all put together from films. We make it alter how we look at things. Sometimes I think we just have to take off that layer of glamor. I've overlooked people and I've been overlooked and these probably could've made the best connections of all.

Maybe we look for it in the wrong ways. Using alcohol to to maybe find something. Or maybe not using alcohol and just waiting it out is the wrong way. I really don't know but looking at my experiences I think I feel it's all something to think about. We look at relationships as something that needs time to last as well and I'm starting to think you just can't measure it in that way. I want to say I think of Love as a snapshot. A photo. It's like a still image... it captures memories, an emotion, and that image lasts forever. Things might change... you might not be 5 anymore, but you can always go back to that photo and it'll be there. And I feel that is what a relationship is. Regardless of how it ends... if it's still going... whatever, we can look back at love we've had, and remember that for what it was.

There's just so much to think about. Not to mention the many relationships out there today that will be celebrating even though they're unfaithful... they lie... take advantage. So for everyone like me who's at a weird place in their life and they aren't sure what to do... I'd say to take a look back at everything. And notice everything in your viewfinder... Consider it all. Think about what matters, but never settle for anything that won't give you JUST as much. And don't be afraid to try something new.. I know it's hard believe me... but we'll never know unless we try right? I've failed time and time again but I'm still alive somehow, and I'm still going.

So take chances... you never know how it could turn out. Be true to yourself. Give your all. If you feel it's there try... Someone will notice you for what's inside. Think as Valentines Day as just another pit stop on the way towards your destination. And don't count anyone out... Your Love is also your friend. You never know.

Sooo ugly

So there's a song that I've been working on, (lyrics no music as of yet) and it centers around ugly people. And I've come up with my own notion for why people ARE ugly, and it has nothing to do with appearance. Ugly to me is our flaws. So maybe someone who is superficial...spiteful... that makes them ugly. One of the verses turns the lens on me... and I put out why I'm ugly. Here is some of thought's I've had while thinking on it.

I'm ugly... because I doubt myself. I'm ugly... because I want what I'll never have. I'm ugly... because I'll give you my all before you even give me a little. Because I'm timid. Because I don't learn from my mistakes. Because I stare into the mirror and hate what stares back. Because I don't like myself all too much. Because I give in. Because I don't give in. Because I dream... and that's enough to get me by. Because I don't take chances. Because I wear my heart on my sleeve... so I get hurt a lot. Because I let the wrong people walk all over me and don't give the right people the time of day. Because I believe someday I'll make it. Because I'm shy. Because I Love you. Because I believe someday "me" will be "we." Because I'm kept awake at night still latching on to some hope I feel exists for me somewhere.

To me we're all ugly in so many ways. But of course we're all beautiful at the same time. Just... I can't look into myself and find what beautiful if any I have. Now that's ugly...

No matter how it ends, no matter how it starts...

So... I've been given a friends "for now." And I really just don't know what this means?? It's give me the feeling of chance... but it also makes me say... Travone it's over. We knew this from the beginning. Just stop. Save yourself any further humiliation. But.. idk what to feel. There's this part of me that just wants to give it that go, because if there's any little chance at all... I'd be willing to take them for what I feel "we" could be. Or what we could "have." Am I wrong here? I know she's unsure about the future but aren't we all? Should that stop us from trying something in the moment if it feels right? We never know what's going to happen tomorrow so why not take the leap with me?  It's just difficult for me to handle, and I'm still thinking of how to deal with it. And the vibe and first lines of this song just play out how I feel.


I don't wanna be your friend
I just wanna be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

And idk... I wonder what I'm doing. I'd rather her tell me... hey you know I think you're ugly. Or "you know it's because you're black." SOMETHING! ANYTHING! And half of me feels that's what it is, but once again someone is trying to be nice to me? Who knows. All I know is if there is chance then I'll stick around and see where it could take me. As I said I don't know what tomorrow holds.

Again

We say never again... but again always comes. I've once again become a victim to some image or snapshot of Love that I thought could exist, and I once again was shut down and put back into my place, and I will probably once again go through the same thing again. I can't seem to escape it. At the same time everyone seems to feel it's okay to step on my fingers, because I'm just so insignificant that'd it'd be okay. People repeatedly stand me up... play me a fool... LIE to try and be nice. I don't get it. I won't accept it. I just need to start cutting them out of my life.it will leave me all alone but maybe that's what's needed. I just don't get things sometimes and I swear if put in a similar situation I'm just going to be outright instead of beating around the bush. Idk where to go next from here... or what to do. I'm pretty much fed up with myself ans everything.

Alright... Things have reached the breaking point. Everything's set in place to change. Sink or swim. It all happens within the next couple of days... Hopefully I'm meant to win.

In Limbo

Play this song as you read this post... It basically captures how I feel... the emotions.

It's been awhile since I posted last I know but I'm into the semester and it's been interesting. Wrestling is going as always, new classes, added stress, the social life... but recently something unexpected just leaped into my way.

The past week I met someone that I feel I have a connection with... and them to me. For the first time ever I think... I was comfortable, around someone I felt a way about. She caught my eye earlier but as always that means nothing. I had no idea about what was in her heart... what her soul was like.

It's just in my nature I guess to watch people... and I grow interest to what attracts me naturally. She drew my interest. I talked with her some once at a party but I still didn't know from that. Being how I am I look for a relationship... for a connection, trust, Love... someone with similar morals to mine, and similar interests. Someone just right. And in this I've never really ever found someone who's been that "just right," or thought I was "just right" either.

So the next week I ended up hanging out with friends... her being one of them. I went into it as I usually do. I'm shy... especially around people I'm attracted to, but I for some reason it wasn't really that much of a bother for me this time. We started talking me and her and all of that anxiety left me really. We talked & talked & talked... and there was so much we had in common. There were some things we disagreed on but they were playful. What was important we mutual Loved. All while this was happening the attraction I had before grew, and it just became overwhelming.

As the weekend went on we would hang out more... and all the while the connection in my eyes grew. It was surreal. I've never once in my life felt this way... because I still feel it now too. And it made me tell myself that I want it... completely. Nothing more... and I'd be happy. And I've now made this my mission... to prove to her that I'm worth her time. That I can fulfill everything she'd ever want, because I feel so passionately about this I know I can. And I just want to get that opportunity.

So I'm now in what I've dubbed "Love Limbo." Because I'm in the waiting ground to see what will become of this. As when people wait to find out if they'll go to Heaven or Hell... I'm waiting to find out if this will sink like the Titanic or Sail endlessly. And it I must say it's torture. I'm fragile from years of hurt, and from being accustomed to failure. I'm afraid to get so high off of this because it can just turn out to fail on me like everything else.

I don't see myself as much of value either so it's very scary right now. She's all I think about... which is bad this early maybe? And I don't want to give off the wrong idea. That I just want sex... or to push too hard. Or bee to careful and fall into a friend zone. It's all new to me and I'm just afraid to fuck things up... because I believe if I do things right everything will work out.

Soo that's where I am now... trying to prove my worth and win her heart. But even though it's so difficult for me I'm realizing more and more I just need to be myself... as I did that first night. I keep looking to the more experienced but no one has more experience as Travone than Travone. And if it's meant to be (I hope it fucking is) Love will make it happen. But for right now I'm just playing chess... In Limbo.

Progess

Sooo... had such a scary occurrence today! My knee popped while I was wrestling!!!! The sound of it... "crunch" was so scary. And the guy I was wrestling heard/felt it too and leaped off me. But my adrenaline was running and I didn't feel it and kept going... and won!!! I did well today, 3-1 on the day! I feel like I really showed what my work has been for finally I want to keep that going. I feel just on a positive level on a whole right now. I want to keep this consistent though... and I think I'm not going to try because that's how things always backfire. I'm just going to go with the flow. My knee is sooo tight right now. And hopefully tomorrow it will get better after a lot of therapy. But as I said... I'm just going to go with the flow.

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Often times I find myself back at this point where I feel as if I've had it with everyone... myself more than anything. I can't stand the people around me and would rather be left to myself because it's as if no one could ever understand. At the same time I hate myself... so it's a lose lose. What makes these things happen i don't know but something's got to change sometime soon. It's getting harder & harder to stand.

Brrrrr.... cold

So I'm sitting here before my first practice of the day and I gave up on even trying to sleep because it is so COLD in this house.... My toes long for some warmth! : ( Anyways I got my first set of film yesterday & hopefully today my camera will arrive, and then a whole new world will be opened up for me. I just hope I sleep somewhere warm tonight... and get closer to making weight today. Started the week at 184lbs and I've now gone down to 177.5lbs as of yesterday after practice... but I ate a lot after <__< I need to make 174lbs by Sunday so I'm on a good pace. I can't wait to be back in my own dorm and have some heat for a change!! I'll post something really legitimate later today when I hopefully will be warm. A wonderful day to everyone.

Some Stevie!!

I absolutely Love Stevie Wonder!!! These two posts I just found while searching around on YouTube are soo amazing. They're a unreleased song and an cover respectively. His voice.. his lyrics.. the chords.. just everything meshes together to beautifully to me!!! The unreleased song especially touches something for me especially. The lines... "It's my life story of Love that never comes true. It's that fantasy of Love that leaves me so blue. Here's my empty soul. With Love that's left untold.. and keeps my Lovers heart feeling cold." I can relate so much to this, and I feel for it so much more with how he sings it. It's not enough just to read the words but when he sings it you can feel the sorrow. Or maybe I'm feeling my own sorrow. I wish the video didn't cut off here!!!